Sunday, 3 April 2011

Sunday Night Thoughts #4

Tonight feels like the right night to talk about the name of my blog and my whole reason for starting. Please don’t take this as a pity post, or attention/compliment seeking, I just intend to be completely honest and share a side of myself which I might not choose to if I was asked face to face and I certainly haven’t spoken about in detail with anyone in my life.

I have never considered myself to be an attractive person, I always saw my features as being a bit odd. This impression of myself was negatively reinforced by being bullied at school and I can specifically remember times when people commented on the way I looked, laughing and mocking. I briefly mentioned last week, that even my own family would comment on how I looked. I know I was an easy target at school, I was shy and awkward and to a certain extent I still am. I can’t help but feel that image of myself has carried on through until now in my late 20s and it does make me insecure, even about forming friendships with people. Having also suffered from acne I am sure many can relate to the insecurity that brings. I thought that once I left puberty behind me my skin would be spot free and flawless, instead I still break out and have scars I won’t even deny that there are days when that really bothers me.

However, with age comes a confidence and an acceptance of yourself. I think at 25 I became really comfortable with who I was as an individual. I knew my character, my beliefs and I noticed that I liked the way I think about things and how I treat people. I think it was really important for me to find things about myself that I liked, since feeling good on the inside, takes you half way to feeling good about how you are on the outside. After all only on the days where I am feeling a little low do I look in the mirror and not like the reflection. I believe it is so important to have that inner level of confidence that is completely your own and not reliant on others impressions of you. It was at this age I also became more interested in beauty, I found a means of escape in watching YouTube videos, practising makeup looks and nail designs. It was the creative outlet I needed at a time when I felt very pressurised.

The major turn around for me was last year, having got into a fight, my character was put down and I was told how ugly I looked, how the scars on my face made me so unattractive. Without context I know that that won’t sound like a big deal, but I don’t want to go into that. Needless to say those words rung in my head, even stopped me going out for a few days and I avoided looking in the mirror for a long time after. It was only when I clicked that I never ever wanted to feel that way again and I certainly didn’t want to think that was true, that my impression of myself changed permanently. The thing is, as I mentioned, in that fight, my character was put down too, but it was only those words ‘you’re so ugly’ that really bothered me, and I can only think that is because I was happy with who I was/am as an individual, but I was always insecure about the way I looked. In a twisted way I should be grateful that that whole episode happened since, after that I finally applied all that acceptance into the way I looked and started to find things that I liked.

‘Discovering Beauty’ is was happened after that. I still have my off days, but on the whole I feel so much better about myself. It was important for me to first recognise that I let myself be made to feel bad, then to find my outlet and things which made me feel better about who I am. Luckily these things all work on positive feedback, or a cycle, which ever way you like to see it, so working on the inside helps with the outside and visa versa.

I thought it was important to do posts like this sunday night series as a reminder that we all have deeper layers and that although I may post my opinions of products and makeup looks, there is always more to someone than meets the eye. I hope that I can inspire someone to look at themselves and see things they like, not to let comments consume you and try to turn negatives into something positive.

With love all,

Ayshe (Discovering Beauty)
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